Cut Some of the Apron Strings...but not All of Them

Starting college can be exciting and stressful for both you and your parents.  In some ways, though, it may be even more stressful for them.  For your whole life, you have been one of their most important priorities and responsibilities.  All of the sudden, they have to let a lot of their control go, especially when it comes to your grades.  Earlier, they could access your academic information whenever they wanted to.  Now, they can’t.  This is because of something called the Buckley Amendment, part of a 1974 law on education and the privacy of records.  Once you are 18 and in college, only you and appropriate people at your college or university (professors, advisors, etc.) can access your records without written permission from you.  Many parents have a hard time letting go of other aspects of your life as well.

Image by Roanoke College from Wikimedia Commons, CC BY

It is crucial that you learn how to gain the right amount of distance between you and your parents, not to close and not too far. In recent years, researchers have found that parents who continue to be too involved with their children’s education in during college years may be doing less good than harm. Such parents have been called “helicopter parents,” and a recent study published by researchers at Florida State University have found that helicopter parenting can have actually have a negative effect on college students. The researchers asked 460 students a series of questions to determine how involved mothers were with their education and they found a correlation between mothers who were overly involved with their students and students’ lowered sense of self-efficacy (the ability to fight through tough situations) and with higher self-reported levels of anxiety and depression. (1) They think this is so because helicopter parenting sends a subtle message to the student that they cannot able to work things out for themselves. On the other hand, students whose parents were supportive, but not too involved reported higher levels of satisfaction with their experiences, as well as higher levels of mental and physical health. 

Image by Alex Mihis from pexels.com, public domain

There are some simple steps you can take with your parents, though, to make this transition easier and more positive.  Randy Hyman of Metropolitan State University in Denver, CO pointed out that letting go can be rather scary for your parents, but suggested that this can be lessened if you “clarify ground rules and expectations about how you wish to interact with them.” (2) He recommends that you “communicate, collaborate, and commiserate at the appropriate times,” meaning you include them in some but not all of your important decisions and stressors.  Share with them all your success.though.  They would love to hear about those. (3)  Lynn F. Jacobs and Jeremy S. Hyman point out that in some ways your parents may not be very helpful anyway because colleges “are different--and, in many ways, much improved--from what they were twenty-five years ago and professors’ expectations have changed accordingly.” (4)  If you and your parents can set up a good arrangement about how you will interact, this can be an amazing time of growth and set the table for a close relationship throughout your lifetime.

1. Florida State University. (2016, June 28). Helicopter parents: Hovering may have effect as kids transition to adulthood. ScienceDaily. Retrieved June 28, 2016 from www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2016/06/160628110215.htm
2. Hyman, R.  (2015). “Cutting the academic umbilical cord.”  In  Posey, S.M. & von Bohlen, T. (Eds) The snarktastic guide to college success.  Boston: Pearson.  p. 6.
3. Hyman, p. 7
4. Jacobs, L.F. & Hyman, J.S. (2013). The secrets of college success, second edition.  San Francisco: Josey Bass. p. 3.